“She just always shows up everywhere. She’s like a bad dream - you just can’t wake up from it.”

Story. Of. My. Life.

Today I had my very last shift at the hospital. And I’ve learned a couple of things about myself from doing this program.

1. I really don’t like working with adults. I mean, some of them are nice to work with but most of the time… Keep them away from me.
2. Children are always going to be who I work for and who I will always aim to help.
3. Nursing is definitely always going to be hard work and even though sometimes I don’t think I’m ready or I’ll be good enough, I am ready to try.
4. When I’m a nurse, I’ll definitely be nice to volunteers and CNAs because I know what they are going through since I’ve been in their position before.
5. Being a pediatric nurse means always putting a smile on your face, no matter the situation. Don’t ever let the children know that something is wrong. They are scared enough just by being in the hospital, worrying makes this worse.
6. I can and will be a pediatric nurse.

I’m going to answer this because I get this a lot, not just on here but from friends as well. Put yourself in my position and be with someone for a quarter of your life, make all these plans about the future and believe everything that they say even when they tell you (and other people including mutual friends) after you’re no longer together that they do not want to start anything with this other person and that they can’t see themselves in a relationship with the other person and then have it all taken away from you. And have the person that you fell in love with treat you like you’re nothing when you used to be their “everything.”

So how about you go be in a relationship for 5 years and then tell me how easy it is to move on. Watch them walk away from you after you believed all their lies, thinking that they truly cared.

Let me know how that goes and how you feel in about 5 years.

I bought an external hard drive because I thought it would make this whole “computer clean up” process easier.. I thought I could go through my files and delete all our pictures knowing I would have it backed up.. But I just can’t.. And I don’t know why. I just want to delete them. I know it’s backed up, I know it’s okay because it’s on my external hard drive and I can look back it. But a part of me feels like what if it’s not okay. What if something happens? Then I lose it all again… I don’t want to lose it all. 

I am so thankful for supportive friends and family. I am thankful for back up plans if nursing fails (which I hope it doesn’t…but just in case). I am thankful that the people in my life are always pushing me to be better and are constantly saying how proud they are of me and how much I have grown, especially after everything that has happened. I am thankful for my nephews and just the thought of them make me want to work 10 times harder to work with children. I am thankful for wonderful opportunities to grow and new experiences. I know I probably don’t deserve all these wonderful people in my life or all these new opportunities, but I’m so thankful and so blessed.

I don’t want to think about this anymore.

And I’m sitting here wondering if you still think of me, like I think about you.

So you officially left our secret group.. I knew it was going to happen eventually. But I thought I would at least get something saying, “Hey, I’m leaving. Bye.” That would have been nice. It would have hurt less. But nope, nothing. Fine. I went through each post and these were the ones that stuck out to me the most. You probably don’t even remember any of this, and that’s okay. I remember what was going on when you wrote it and I will always remember. But before I leave the group myself, I wanted to know that I could look back on this, which is why I’m posting it here. Once I delete it from my computer and leave the group, it will be gone forever and this will be the only way for me to look back on it. I really shouldn’t have even looked at the past, but I couldn’t help it. How could we have gone from all of this to.. Whatever the fuck we are now. Seriously? Like, when I read it back, it just brought me back to the last couple of months and how you said almost the same shit. And it’s funny because I believed it every single time, thinking that you were honest and true and that you really did love me like all those times you said you did. But now I see that you’re nothing but a liar. But I guess that’s life. You have to just remember what you had and know that the person that you once knew is never coming back. So this guy who wrote all this stuff, who made me believe all these lies, he’s gone and almost six years of friendship can go with him as well. 

And this will be a little reminder to myself: Don’t believe anymore. I’ve given too many chances and now I’m tired of feeling neglected and taken advantage of. If you ever want me back in your life (which I doubt you will) you will have to work ten times harder than before to prove that you’ve changed. I’ve done all I can. The ball is in your court, just like how it’s always been. Everything has always been up to you and it sucks because I still have not gotten any say in anything that has happened and apparently I am not worth the truth either.

(Source: helloleilani)

It always hurts to know that you mean nothing to someone who used to always say you meant everything to them.. And who means so much to you.

Woke up because I heard all these noises outside and I see like 10 people decorating my neighbors house with signs that say “happy birthday!”, “the birthday girl lives here!”, and “today is your day!” and they were also putting flowers and streamers everywhere.

I got to admit, I’m kind of jealous. I wish that I lived close enough to my friends so that I could do things like that for them on their birthday. But some of my friends are just too far away. It’s definitely a cute idea. I hope that one day someone comes to my house at midnight on my birthday just to surprise me and tell me happy birthday or even just leave a little sign on my window that lets the world know that it’s my day. Or even because they missed me. I wouldn’t mind if someone came to my house in the middle of the night, knocked on my window or left a note there, just because I was on their mind. That would be cute too. One day I’ll leave signs on my friends lawns telling the world that it’s their birthday or that I miss them and hopefully one day, someone will do the same.

One of my goals before I turned 21 was to feed my favorite animal, a giraffe.. I guess it will now have to be a “before I turn 22” goal. I wish that more zoos had giraffes and that they would let you feed them.. Hopefully I can find someone or a group of friends who would be down to go to San Diego with me one day and feed giraffes all day. That would make me really happy.

Anyone know of any other places I can feed giraffes? Los Angeles zoo and Santa Ana don’t.. I think. I don’t even think they have giraffes.. Also, anyone know where I can get some cute shirts with giraffes on them? I freaking love giraffes so much. It’s a problem. I’ve been seeing giraffes all over my dash and it’s making me go crazy. I want one so badly.

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for the constant reminder that I’m not good enough and I’ll never be good enough. Thank you for all the messages that still break what’s left of my heart every single time. Thank you for always finding a new way of making me feel like shit. Thank you for giving me information that I feel I shouldn’t care about right now. But you know what..? I’m glad that I’m able to just read the messages and delete them, no questions to ask because I don’t want to start shit and be lied to anymore. What you say may be true, but I am running low on fucks to give now. Things are changing, and hopefully I will be able to change too.

And maybe, just maybe, one day, I’ll finally be good enough.

Signed (without love), Leilani

It’s really sad to think that ignoring each other is how it’s going to be from now on, especially after everything we have been through together.. Can’t even say hi, be in the same room, or give each other a friendly hug. But I guess if that’s what it has to come down to, fine. I did all I can to try and prove I want you in my life and I didn’t get anything back. So goodbye. I won’t be in your life anymore. I can only hope you’re really, truly happy with everything because to be honest, I’m not. But if you’re happy, we can pretend I am too.

Lately, I’ve been thinking.. And I think for my 21st birthday, all I really want is to go on that LA Adventure I’ve dreamed about for what feels like over a year. But it’s okay, I’ve come to realize that it’s not happening and it will most likely never happen. It would have made for a memorable 21st birthday.. But really, who needs memories?

Karma will get back at you. You will get exactly what you deserve.